Heaven Knows
by chinkywinky
Summary: Miaka has left Hotohori alone in his palace and told him she would not come back if Hotohori does not find another woman to love. Hotohori still is holding on to Miaka and refuses to love another woman. Where will this story lead? Please Read and Review.
1. She's Always on My Mind

Heaven Knows

Author's Note: This fic goes along with song "Heaven Knows and each chapter title is from the lyrics. Hotohori still hasn't gotten over Miaka and, just follow the story okay!!! I suck at summaries. Oh! And I don't own any part of Fushigi Yuugi and the song Heaven Knows.

Pairings: Miaka and Tamahome ; But final paring Hotohori and Miaka

**Please at least try to make a REVIEW. I would only continue if I receive at least five reviews in the span of two weeks. **

Chapter One: "She's always on my mind"

_She's always on my mind,_

_From the time I wake up,_

_Till I close my eyes,_

_She is every where I go_

She's all I know... 

A ray of sunlight, dimmed by the silk curtains flying gracefully with the wind, smiled warmly to the beautiful figure lying silently in the fetal position in the big canopy bed.

'Miaka' The first thought that came through the young man's mind as he woke up. Yesterday was a very stressful day for the handsome emperor. Miaka had spoken with such finality that his guts had failed him. It was like sunlight was cut out from his day and the wind was separated from his breath. She told him to stop trying because she didn't want to hurt him anymore. She wanted him to understand she didn't simply love him as a man but as a friend. Hotohori was having a very hard time understanding that. "I've loved you all my life!" he tried to reason as she left with Tamahome moments after their argument, which resulted to physical damages on both sides. But even though he tried his hardest to sway her decision, she still left leaving Hotohori to suffer with pain of the words she last said before she left. He could still feel the sting as if she were saying it to him right now.

"What is it that you don't understand about the sentence that I will never love you!"

Hotohori felt a terrible shiver and a constricting force suffocating his heart. It was like his very life was taken away from him. He can't live without her can he?

He was sharply jerked out of his reverie when two loud, ill-mannered knocks reached his ears. Although he could have dismissed whomever it was that knocked on the door but he knew better. His friends and fellow seishi were there to cheer him up. Though he doubted if they can do anything to pull him out his crestfallen state, he still can't refuse their company. After all, Nuriko and Tasuki's catfights were certainly there to help cheer him up about a quarter of a centimeter(A/N: If you call that cheering up).

"Come in." he said gently.

He actually expected a display of hearty jokes and smiles from his friends once the door was opened for them, but what he saw actually shocked him.

"What's with the sour faces you guys?" he asked casually hoping to lighten up the building tension inside his chamber.

"Oh come on Hotohori! Just drop the façade will you?" said a very annoyed Tasuki, who looked as if he were about to cry just by looking at his emperor. He then realized how disrespectful his words were after he got a hearty whack from Nuriko then apologized. "I'm so sorry your highness." He said. "It's just that I personally felt it was unfair of Miaka to do that to after all you've done for her. It's not that I hate her. It's just—" his statement hung limply because he could not find the right words to say them.

Hotohori actually appreciated how Tasuki cared for him. Even though you would often underestimate how he could cope with emotional situations, he could actually be mature and Hotohori knew deep inside that Tasuki would be a very mature and wise individual someday.

"We should not judge Miaka by her harsh decisions." Said Chichiri. "Miaka always has certain reasons for saying such words and doing such actions. We all know her by nature and she would not say such things without reason though personally I think she had crossed her foot beyond the line." He finished with a shrug.

'Chichiri. Always the calm and fair guy.' Thought Hotohori. He knew perfectly what Chichiri was trying to point out, but he didn't have any hard feelings for Miaka. He knew that there must be some reason why she said that thought he didn't really now and needed to find out.

"And what might those reasons be?" Hotohori said as he voiced his thoughts.

"Like she would rather hurt you one last time and no more." Said Chiriko.

Hearing this from a very young child like Chiriko was really strange.

"Well, I what I wanted to say was that by treating you like the way she did last night, you would think of her as ungrateful and one way or another find a way to change your feelings for her and find someone more worthy of your love." He finished with a sigh.

'Man! It's like I'm talking to a very old person' he thought silently with a mental chuckle. 'At least I managed to chuckle mentally' after he thought what was funny about his mental statement. "Well, she would be disappointed to find out that my love for hasn't changed even for one bit."

"That was the purpose of her and Tamahome moving out of the palace. So that she could be out of your mind because she isn't here!" Nuriko suddenly voiced out. He was clearly getting annoyed that Hotohori still yearned for Miaka's love. He doesn't love Hotohori anymore but he wanted Hotohori to be happy for himself and not just be happy for the woman he loves.

"But by going away, I would think more about her. About how she's doing, about what Tamahome is feeding her right now, about where she is, about—"

BANG!

His vanity table was cracked in half! The other seishi looked at Nuriko wildly as if he had grown another extra head and Hotohori looked electrocuted. He would have scolded Nuriko hardly for that but considering that the air was suddenly knocked out of him—.

Nuriko has had it with Hotohori. He was going to make sure that after this conversation, someone else would be running around his majesty's mind by pounding it inside the emperor's thick skull. The others didn't dare try and stop the next scene that came into their eyes.

"STOP ACTING LIKE YOUR WORLD REVOLVES AROUND MIAKA ALONE!" he shouted while shaking Hotohori unceremoniously by the collar of his robe. "YOU HAVE AN EMPIRE TO TAKE CARE OF! YOUR EMPIRE NEEDS YOU TOO!!! IF-YOU-CON-TINUE-TO-SULK-LIKE-THIS-THE-EMPIRE-WOULD-BE-DEAD!" she finished with a very strong shake that Hotohori's royal robe was torn. He gave a timid smile and quickly apologized to the harassed-looking Hotohori.

After straightening himself from the vicious "attack" he got from Nuriko, he hung his head and deeply thought of what to say next to his friends, and what he said made the other seishi drop the plan of making their emperor fall in love with someone else.

"She has always been and will always be on my mind and heart." He said calmly but the other seishi heard the tone and there was no mistake of the pain and suppressed sobs in his voice that it hurt them to hear it from their strong and great emperor. He may be emperor—strong, stable, dignified and emotionless on the outside but he was as delicate as an oyster and as vulnerable with no one to protect his soft heart and proves that he was still a normal man inside. "Ever since that day that I found out I was a seishi, I vowed that I would not love anyone else. You might think it's foolish for a man of status and power like me to hold on to a childhood fantasy like that but ever since that time, my dreams of Miaka and our adventures together were the only things that I held on to on order to survive the heaviness of my responsibilities as a child. The pressure would have driven me crazy if it weren't for my dreams that one day, the woman I love would look at me and love me as man and not as an emperor. If you could tell me where to start erasing those memories and fantasies I would gladly oblige to doing so but everything about Miaka is a part of me now and no one could ever erase it. You guys could keep telling that if I really love her I should let her go but I don't want to so please, stop trying to make me forget. Only heaven knows how I could forget her."

When he raised his head to look to his friends, they came towards him and gave him the best group hug he has ever had. He actually felt loved and in this moment, he temporarily forgot everything about what had happened last night until a shout from the corridor broke their "seishi moment" together.

A/N: I know it's short and a bit emotional. NO! Bit is an understatement. Extremely would be more like it. And guys don't worry. I didn't turn Miaka into a monster. As you can see there is a reason for Miaka doing that but that reason is what will lead them to have a happy ending! Ciao! Please Review. It would be very helpful to as the reviews are actually my inspiration to continue the next chapter.


	2. Though She's So Far Away

Heaven Knows

Author's Note: This fic goes along with song "Heaven Knows and each chapter title is from the lyrics. Hotohori still hasn't gotten over Miaka and, just follow the story okay! I suck at summaries. Oh! And I don't own any part of Fushigi Yuugi and the song Heaven Knows.

Pairings: Miaka and Tamahome ; But final paring Hotohori and Miaka

Chapter 2: "Though she's so far away" 

_Though she's so far away,_

_It just keeps getting stronger, everyday…_

As the winds blew gently carrying the scent of rain water signaling the arrival of a thunderstorm into the late hours of the night, a young woman tried desperately to translate into words every feeling, every single, tiny bit of emotion that coursed all through out her being. Anger, frustration, guilt, sorrow, admiration, and love. All these emotions somehow managed to find their way into heart. And she was finding it hard to express them and put them into writing.

'I guess I need a break,' Miaka thought as she stood up from the desk.

Miaka was really tired. Every part of her body ached as it had just endured a two-hour horse ride from the imperial palace of Konan to the outskirts of a small discrete village. Her back was sore and her legs were still pretty numb from the non-stop ride from Eiyou to the little inn she and Tamahome were staying in for the night. But all these physical aches were nothing in comparison to the emotional torture that she was feeling inside. Not long ago did she shout very insensitive, ungrateful, and hurtful words to a man who has promised her his timeless love and devotion, and has done nothing but cherish, support, protect and love her. Miaka had a hard time summoning up the courage to slap those words into his face, but Miaka new it had to be done. Hotohori is a man can never have anything but the best, and Miaka knew she was nowhere near the best. He had always said that she was his "dreamgirl", but Hotohori has just so much to give to be wasted on a dumb, always-hungry girl like her.

Miaka sat down on the decent-sized bed in the middle of the small room that Tamahome had rented. Tamahome went out for a while as he considered that Miaka might want to spend a little time by herself and went to his family, as their village is close by. Miaka, taking advantage of the time she was alone, went straight into writing a letter that she planned to send to Hotohori as soon as she can. She wanted to explain everything. Tell him that it's all for the best. Assure him that everything will be alright in time. Miaka also wanted to tell him what really triggered her sudden rash actions. Miaka was really confused. And as she rested her head on the pillow she closed her eyes and looked back to time where Hotohori had laid his soft, warm lips on hers. It was a very sweet yet passionate kiss. She tried to recall how his hands felt against her bare skin. Each gentle touch and each loving caress she tried hard to remember as her mind filled with the image of his face a few hours ago. The always handsome, calm, composed face was distorted with an expression of grief, betrayal, hurt and maybe even anger. And Miaka can't blame him if he did feel angry and betrayed. But Miaka thought it was for the best. Best for Hotohori and best for her sanity.

'I can't possibly back out on this. I chose Tamahome and I should stand by this decision no matter what. And I should tell him that I stand firm by my decision. Oh Hotohori. If you only knew how hard this is for me too. I don't know how I would react if I see another woman in your arms.' Miaka sat up and cuddled her pillow. 'NO!' she tried to fight back the thought. 'I won't allow myself to think these things!' But as soon as she thought about this, another voice shouted at her. 'You never really gave him a chance!' the voice said fiercely. 'You didn't even say you love him!'

"NO! STOP IT!" Miaka voiced out loud as she covered her ears as if she could block out the voice inside her head and the things the voice was saying.

'You KNOW and FEEL that you love him!' the voice kept on. 'Why don't you face it! You tell him a lie by saying that all the heartache you're causing him right now is for the best, but in reality you're just too scared to be loved by someone who you think is perfect! You're scared to be found undeserving of his love! Don't you think it's his decision to love who he wants to love.'

"But I also love Tamahome!" she murmured in reply to the voice in her head. "I love him too! I need him just as I need Hotohori, and I need to give one of them up. I chose to give up Hotohori."

Miaka tried to dismiss anymore of her thoughts by pulling the pillow to her ears but the voice was adamant. It said things that Miaka dare not say out loud.

'Miaka! You know no one is ever perfect that's why Hotohori needs you. And that's why you need him. You compliment each other in a way not even Tamahome can.'

"Please…" Miaka said as she started to shake and tears cascaded down from her greenish orbs. "please…this is enough! I've made my decision!" She said determinedly as she put down the pillow and headed back to the desk to end her unfinished letter. Miaka took her pen and started scribbling furiously as if her harsh strokes would end the pain she was feeling. Ink mixed with tears as the Suzaku no Miko finished her letter to her seishi, her emperor, her lover, a man she loves.

"_**Hotohori, know that it's not impossible to love you. In fact, it's impossible not to feel anything at all.**_

"…_You deserve someone better. Someone who can actually take care of you. Someone who could really take away all the painful memories of the loneliness you had to endure and take you somewhere I cannot. Hotohori, please don't look for me. When the time is right, I will come back that I assure you. I hope you understand. I know you do, and you're probably tired of doing it, but please…for our friendship's sake… _

_Truly Yours,_

_Miaka_

The piece of paper was laid down gently in a handsome writing desk as it was clearly fragile, because of it's condition. Whether because it was soaked in rain or in tears or because of the fact that he's read it so many times since the letter came to him the young man didn't know nor did he care. It was from his Miko. The love of his life. The light to his soul.

As he walked towards the porch, he looked up towards the sky and whispered to the wind hoping that it would bring his message to the woman he loves.

"Miaka, I also want you to know this," he said lovingly as if she were right beside him and able to hear his tender words. "It's impossible to forget you. In fact, it's impossible not to remember you every single day of my life." His gaze drifted as his mind floated to a time where he received the best moments of his life.

The perfect kiss he wanted so badly to last for an eternity.

"Wherever you are, I want you to know…I love you Miaka. And I want you to know that no matter what happens, as long as there's life on the face of the earth, I always will…" he finished silently as he heard the sounds of approaching footsteps. He drifted towards his mirror and checked his appearance one last time until the anticipated knock on his chamber doors reverberated in his ears.

"Enter." He announced regally.

He was greeted by his ministers, who were all dressed in very formal clothing. Every single one gave a low bow to their emperor as the prime minister ushered their leader out of his chambers.

"It is time sire."

"Indeed it is." Came the reply as Hotohori entered the banquet hall filled with people and being approached by a woman with purple colored locks and very angelic features. As he took her by the hand and lead her through the crowd, he looked her deep and straight into the eyes, and with a gentle smile he said,

"It truly is time."

A/N: HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry I know it sulks because I couldn't sleep so I did this chapter at 4:00 in the morning. Sorry for the very late update( Gomenasai( Well, to all those who reviewed…THANK YOU SO MUCH YUSAGI, STARNAT, SOMEBODY, HOSHIHIKARI, NOZOMI02, CHIBINURIKO310. THANK YOU SO MUCH


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